My Nightmare Returns

On Dec. 25, 2012, I thought I'd heard the worst news of my life. You can read about it here: Death Would Be Better. After posting this blog, the world reached out and things turned around for us. Polina came home in February of 2013, but others were left behind and I was forever committed to helping orphans reach freedom with forever families.

Fast forward nearly a decade and here I am again, on my knees with tears free-falling from my swollen eyes, stuck on the other side of the world from a child who calls me "Mom." 

But this time is different. I know I'm not powerless because of the way God moved through this blog a decade ago bringing awareness to the world of the crisis of the orphan.

This time, I know I can do more than pray. I have worked feverishly in the previous days. Searching. Connecting. Planning. I am fighting with everything that I am to get not only my "daughter" to safety and ultimately home with us as this war plays out, but for more than 200 other orphans. 

The fact is, we are further behind in the adoption process than we were a decade ago, and I didn't have a lot of hope for our girl, but progress has been made among those of us fighting for the orphans across several organizations and countries to bring these kids to safety. I knew I would fight for each and every one them, even if it meant my own wasn't included - even if the child I love had to be left behind in a war-torn country. 

We call her Masha. 

She is 13 years old.

My children call her "sister." 

Things have begun to change in recent years with a re-haul of the system, but the plight of the Ukrainian orphan is historically poor. The figure of Ukrainian orphans is over 100,000. The older they get, the less likely they are to be adopted and once they turn 16, they can not be adopted internationally and are typically released from the orphanage without a support system or the skills required to survive, much less thrive.  About 10% will commit suicide after leaving the orphanage before their 18th birthday. Approximately 60% of the girls find themselves in prostitution and 70% of the boys turn to a life of crime. Overall, less than 30% find work. 

And now, they are in a country being attacked for it's land and for the pride of dictator that didn't get what he wanted over 30 years ago. 

Some orphanages are out of food. Some are out of medicine. Some are out of both. Children are in freezing basements listening with terror as bombs and missiles are dropping above them. Some have been evacuated onto trains. I even know of some in a van in the forrest. 

Many of these children, like Masha, have homes in America they have visited on hosting trips. Families are lining up to host them as refugees. They have a place to go. They do not have to stay and suffer the consequences of this war without a support system. 

I can't reveal the details of what God has put in the works to rescue these children. But I can tell you that we need the American government to reissue visas for these children with American host families ready to provide for them as long as necessary. Please join me, and the other families, as we write our representatives pleading for their help in this matter. 

America can do more. America can do better. We need to unite as a nation around this cause. Christ calls us to care for the least of these and that is the Ukrainian orphan refugees. 

We will come to you. We will not leave you as orphans.

I'm Back...

 I have been trying to recover this blog for months. Tonight, I said a prayer and asked God to help me get in because I just might need this blog and my followers again. I tried and tried on my phone to no avail. I tried on my computer. It wasn't working and He nudged me not to give up, so I kept trying. And it seems, it worked. He has led me back here. So, if you're still following, drop me a comment below so I can see that it in-fact, did work, and so I can see where my followers are. And, welcome back!

Kendra

Quick Medical Update

We are in Kansas City today.

The original appointment was for Carter as his GI scope showed concerning results with increased white blood cells in his esophagus as well as lower in his GI tract. Because he's lost 15% of his body weight and had extreme fatigue in the past 4 months, several vials of blood were drawn to check for a plethora of things. We've also been referred to an endocrinologist and the Eosinophilic Esophagitis clinic where we will see an allergist and have a food patch allergy test done.

As you can see, the X-Ray isn't of the GI tract.

After 4 months recovery time and two bouts of antibiotics, Polina's right knee is still draining. The exrays above are (left to right) today, April, and how she came home from Russia. When the surgeon did the initial repair, he used pins instead of a plate becuase her knee is so little. It was healing well in April, but has since "re-gapped" and that is where the bleeding and drainage is coming from.

So, we find ourself in a two-part process. We will do surgery tonight to have it cleaned and the bone cultured. If there is no infection, we can move ahead in the "coming weeks" to place a plate. If there is infection, she will have to be on a round of antibiotics before a plate can be placed because it will "puss out" if there is an infection.

I'm greatly blessed by a few great friends at work that have donated a personal day for me. I missed 2 days last week, 2 days this week, and possibly 3 next week. The paycheck deductions, hotel and gas expenses add up quick! I'm also thankful for an amazing paraprofessional who runs my classroom seamlessly while I am gone. This is a most difficult time of year to miss!

Thank you all for your prayers - both for the kids' health and for my sanity through it all!

UPDATE!

I know it's been forever since I've blogged. I'm sorry. I just don't have the time. Here is a brief overview.

I'm working full-time teaching Special Education again.
Polina has had a couple of surgeries. Her legs are now straight. We are waiting for the okay to remove the knee stabilizer on her right leg and the journey to walking will begin.
Carter is playing baseball and doing boy scouts. He just finished drama.

I am busy running Polina's Promise in my spare time to help special needs orphans and families worldwide.

I am also humbled and honored to have been chosen for the 2014 Cast of Listen to Your Mother - Little Rock. It is a live show where I will be presenting my piece titled "RADical Motherhood." It discussed the difficult topic and things so far left unshared about the first year home with Polina. The performance will be available on their YouTube channel after the show.

"Gotcha Day" - It's been a year!

Blogger won't let me upload new pictures...so I decided to take my 2-part "Gotcha Day" posts into one....


What a difference a year has made!


From Jan, 2013


A shower or a blog while Polina is sleeping snuggly? I think there's a lot of people waiting for a blog, so the shower will have to wait.

Adoptive families celebrate the day they are awarded custody of their child as "Gotcha Day."  It's like having a second birthday and something we always celebrate. For us, that day is Jan. 29th, 2013. We never would have imagined the way it would go when we started this process, or even the day before, really. And honestly, there's so much about it that I can't tell you yet. I will try here to sum it up the best I can ...to even give you a glimmer into the emotion of the day ...telling you what I can & using pictures. If you read closely and pay attention, you'll catch some things I intend to not blatantly point out.

Our alarms went off at 5:30am. We had some "guests" arrive at 6:30 and the caravan began at 7am. We stopped to pick up a passenger in the minivan about half an hour later. I filled out some embassy paperwork before the pretty part of the drive. Then came the beauty of the forrest on a Russian snowy winter day. It's beauty made up for my freezing feet! We stopped at our regular stop just before town where we met up with the others in the caravan. Such a thing is difficult to keep together in the Moscow traffic!

At 9:15, we headed to the local Ministry of Education. It was a nasty building inside on the first floor. You never would think it was a government building except maybe a prison. I can't imagine at this point what they look like. We were directed upstairs where it was at least a little cleaner and into the office of four women. We were warmly greeted by smiles as they all knew why we were there - the last Americans to adopt their child from this region. We knew that the lady we were here to meet would help us get our daughter from the orphanage where the director had been less than friendly to us on our previous visits. We showed our passports and signed some papers. We adjusted the seating arrangements in the caravan so that she could ride with us and headed to the orphanage.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I had such a mix of emotions. Anticipation and excitement at one end and apprehensive on the other. I was going to meet my daughter for the first time & it was not a day I wanted to experienc the conflict of the past when visiting her. Most importantly, I didn't want her to have to experience that. On top of that, I had been told upon arrival in Moscow that Polina had chicken pox and I wanted to be able to comfort her during this treacherous feeling.

The unknown is hard for in general, but as a Momma who has had to fight for her daughter and would do everything in my power to protect her, not knowing is nearly unbearable. I didn't know if anyone had told her about the ban, and if they had, did they tell her that we werent coming after we had told her we were? This was the nightmare that had run through my head everyday since the adoption ban was signed. I was very saddened on the way back to Moscow when Polina told us (unsolicited and out of the blue) she had cried just the day before when a couple of the caregivers had told her that her parents were not coming for her and she was not going to America. She told us who they were by name & I recognized one of them. I can not express the anger I felt that my child was unnecessarily caused so much anguish and despair. It's just pure emotional & mental torture to do such a thing!

Moving on...

The lady from the Ministry of Ed went in, leaving us outside. We went on a little walk to have our translator tell us about some of the buildings we had always wondered about when visiting the orphanage. The city was founded in 1154 - seven years after Moscow. This could partially explain why the MOE building was so nasty. In 1941 (sorry for the incorrect date the first time, give a tired girl a break!), the Germans were stopped there on their way to Moscow. Russia lost more souls to WWII than any other nation. There was someone at the gates of what we assumed was a school because there were always children nearby. He told us that this was one of the best schools in Russia based on some "contest" they had a few years back and that they had only the best teachers. Sound like American Standardized testing to me. Just think...one of the best schools in Russia with the best teachers...on the same street where my daughter lived...

I thought it was going to be time to go in and get my daughter. My emotions were high, but it turned out we had some more business to take care of. So back in the car we went to do that. It took us hours  filled with stress, conflict, a security guard and an escorted trip to the "chief's" office for some. But in the end, it was all resolved and we had what we needed. Now the question was if we were going to make it back before Polina went down for her nap and the director had another reason not to let her leave immediately. we were all pretty hungry at that point - but it didn't matter. We were going to get our girl!



I know many of you have been awaiting this. I'm sorry it's taken so long, and this may not be the greatest post as I'm trying to do it while myo princessa dochka is sleeping.

We were starving...it was almost 1:00 pm. There was no breakfast, it was a long night and a longer morning in the car and taking care of business in various buildings. But, there was no time for food because if we didn't make it by nap time, I was sure that we'd have to wait a couple more hours and we still had to go by the passport office on the way home.

Back to the orphanage we went...everything we needed. The cameras would have to wait outside. Poor Kirill had been waiting outside for hours in the snow. We went in, past the guard, and up to an office I'd never been in before down from the Directors. That was a relief. To not be in her office was a positive thing. Friendly faces of three women greeted us. The MOE representative gave her what she needed. She was filling out more paperwork.

I was asked for Polina's clothes. I handed them over...disappointed that I wasn't going to get to dress her yet. A few minutes later...she was wheeled in. There she was...my daughter wearing a shirt that said "Little Sister." She now had a family. Belonging. Identity.

And she was beautiful as always with her hair in two braids down each side. Pretty sure Angie did that. Thank you Angie! Thank you for all you did for our little girl and for all you do for the others!

Polina's first words to me? "Do I get to go with you Mommy?"

I got to say YES! I didn't have to leave her behind again! I have tears in my eyes as I type that.

I took her picture with Angie and we gave her a picture frame with a picture of Polina - one for her and one for another caregiver. And then, the director came in.

She didn't address us personally. She talked to some others in the room and then told us best wishes to our backs and left. We didn't know she was talking to us, but we were told. I had a nice picture frame with a picture of Polina in it for her, so I ran down to her office to give it to her. Kindness kills the heart...or something like that.

A few minutes later, she came back and things got tense. We couldn't make it out of there one time without the arguing? Really? Polina didn't need that! I didn't know what was being said, but she did.

I was told, "Let's get out of here as soon as possible."

You don't have to tell me twice.

I left the other three picture frames on the table to be given to the other caregivers. I shoved everything in the bag and picked Polina up without figuring out the broken zipper on her jacket. I could hold her against me to the car and it would be okay. So off we went...for the last time...leaving that.......place. Later, I was told that the picture frames were given back to one of our escorts, saying that they were just junk.

I had my daughter in my arms. That was jubilant.

But I was leaving others behind. Katya, Vika, Igor, Sasha, Valeria. I could go on. I will never forget those kids. I will never forget one of our translators telling me, "You're right, (she) isn't numb...she understands you!" or another crying for me and being put in the hallway and left alone in her wheelchair for well over an hour, because they think she's "numb" too. I will never forget these two girls just longing for human touch or their ecstatic squeels and delightful smiles when they got it. For Heaven's sake...just because a kid can't talk doesn't mean they don't understand. They should not be ignored and left sitting, in the back of the room or in the hallway, ignored. Play hand-over-hand with them. Tickle them. Hold them. Watch them bloom! As they say in America, I "triple-dog-dare you." It will change their lives, and it will change yours!

Sorry for the tangent.

We were in the van, on the way back to Moscow, with our daughter. It was a trip filled with wonderful moment and heartbreaking moments. Bittersweet was a recurrent theme this day. Polina would love on me. We listened to music and rocked together.

And then she told me, "I cried last night Momma. (Two of my caregivers) told me you weren't coming to get me and I wasn't going to go to America." My heart sank. My throat swelled. I was angry. I was disgusted. But I had to hold it together for her. And so I told her they were wrong, that Mommy was taking her home to America in a few days and she would never have to go back there. She went on to tell us about a boy in the orphanage who told her we weren't coning to take her because she was a (b****).

He was wrong too Polina. You are myo princessa dotchka now and I will take you to America!

She asked who would be with her in Moscow, if she would be alone, where she would sleep. We reassured her she would never be alone and we would always be with her.

The passport office was quick, we got some groceries, and we made it to our apartment around 6:30 that night.

I lived my dream that night. I fed her, gave her a bath, did her hair, read her a book and snuggled her. It took her three hours to fall asleep. I'll post in a future blog why I believe that is. But for now, my princess daughter is awake, and I have to go!

If you haven't seen this ABC news story (Thank you Kirit Radia!) you should watch it!

http://abcnews.go.com/International/video/american-couple-finally-leave-russia-adopted-daughter-18429896

Thankful for Fear

It's been a long week!


I went back to work teaching full-time this week. It shouldn't have been a long week because we actually only went to school Wednesday and Friday because of weather closings. So what made it so long you ask?


Fear.


Polina has decided she's afraid to sleep in her own room. She has been coming into my room 3-4 times a night. Now, let me explain something to you. I am a night owl. I would give my left arm to be a morning person, but I'm not. I never have been. I have a terrible time falling asleep at night and rarely do I get good sleep until after approximately 2am. I'm also a very light sleeper. I am awakened with the lightest of noises and cannot sleep with any movement in my bed, much less someone touching me. We have a king size bed comprised of two twins and I make poor Jason stay in his zip code when it's time to sleep!


If I don't get my sleep, I'm a BEAR! No qualms about it. So this week, has been long and rough.


Why NOW? We used to put her in her room and shut the door and she went to sleep and stayed in her room all night. Now, she cries and begs us not to shut her door (a problem because she's hyper-vigilant and will not go to sleep until everyone else does if her door is open) and gets out of her bed several times a night with ever-growing excuses.


The fear is genuine. This momma knows when the tears are real, and these are! But why now, after 11 months? If she did this when we first came home, I would have done some co-sleeping in her bed - after all, I could nap during the day then.


Well, I had an epiphany tonight. You see, Polina loves to be rocked, but when she gets ready to fall asleep, she asks to be taken to her bed. Sleeping anywhere other than her bed or my bed (where I let her nap with me during the day sometimes) is a challenge. She hardly sleeps in the car and hotel rooms or visiting family is extremely difficult.


And then, a momma's dream came true! My daughter fell asleep on my lap in the recliner. It was the first time she has completely fallen asleep in my arms in the 11+ months that she's been home.

(I'd really like to post a picture here but either I'm too tired to function or Blogger is glitching)
It was as if fireworks were lighting up and booming awake my brain cells that seem to have died over the past 13 months. I'm thankful for her fear because of what it represents.


For the first time in her life, Polina is experiencing safety and assurance. She wasn't fearful before because without having truly felt safe, you can't truly fear. She's been numb. Things that should have bothered her haven't, not because she is so tough, but because she is....no...because she WAS numb.


Praise God my baby girl is no longer numb!


Hebrews 11:1 says faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
We've been doing a lot of talking about things (concepts) we cannot see or touch. We've been trying to teach her to trust us and that she is safe with us. These concepts are abstract - you cannot show her a picture or let her touch it. She has to experience it with her heart, mind and soul. She has always had anxiety about uncertainty. She needs her day laid out before her, step-by-step, person-by-person.  She's been working on familial relationships and gaining confidence in her status as a daughter, sister, granddaughter and cousin.


Tonight, when she fell asleep in my arms, I realized she has found confidence in our promise to always love her and protect her. This is such a huge step in attachment and right then, I prayed over her for continued progress in our attachment, for our relationship as she grows and matures, and for my wisdom in guiding that process.


If you are a momma struggling with a lack of attachment with your adopted child, I'm praying for you tonight. I know there are times you may feel like you'll never get there. I've felt that way many times! Put your faith in God and keep pressing on with hope. Be confident. He called you to this with purpose.


If you're not one of those mommas, please join in praying for them tonight. I know they'll feel a renewed strength in the morning!

Merry Russian Christmas

It’s Orthodox Christmas Eve in Russia. This time last year…

Oh man, my nose burns as I fight the tears just writing that.  Now they just fall. No use fighting them. It astonishes me how the pain I felt then, I can still feel now.  Deep, cleansing breath. Continue.


This time last year, I didn’t know the fate of my daughter. I had just told her two weeks prior that I’d be back to take her home. It was the next morning, that of American Christmas Eve, we were told we might not ever see her again.


We might not ever see our daughter again.


She, along with the other orphans, was becoming political prisoner.

As cold as the December Russian air was, those words were like chest crushing heat. I found it hard to breathe in the back seat of that car I choked down my tears on the way to the courthouse. I was about to stand in front of a judge who partially held our daughter’s fate in her hands. I couldn’t appear shaken. I had to prove my strength, ability and desire to care for my precious little girl.

The stale air in the courtroom was suffocating as I plead our case with the judge. Repeatedly, I assured her we knew our life wouldn’t be easy but we were dedicated to caring for this child we already loved as our daughter in our heart. There was but a flash of relief when she said yes, because she then continued to tell us she was sorry that her judgment may not matter. She wanted to make sure we knew the unspeakable possibility. There was a political law looming over our heads like a blanket of darkness.

I put on my poker face and thick skin. We packed our bags. I don’t remember every really crying. I couldn’t let myself feel the depth of despair in my heart. I had to hang on to the thin thread of hope that resided in my soul. Without it, I couldn’t exist.  

We went to a Christmas party that night. Wonderful people, delicious food, fun gift exchange. There was even a mixed Russian/American couple that had adopted a special needs child at the party. Naturally, there were questions. I answered apathetically. It was all I could do to avoid hysterics.

It seemed a distant walk back to the apartment in polar temperatures. I don’t know if I slept that night. Our driver picked us up in the morning and we flew back to the US.

Christmas Day. Heavy heart. Stone cold face.

Thoughts and emotions churned in my soul for three days before they found their escape on an airplane to my mother’s house near Los Angeles. The tears flowed uncontrollably as I typed a blog through blurred vision. A few hours later, I was blindsided by middle-of-the-night calls from phone numbers I didn’t recognize and found myself doing interviews with the same media I’d turned down requests from when we were in Russia. We had intended to fly under the radar. I had no idea then that my blog would be translated and shared via popular Russian news sites, or that 40,000 people would read it. ABC World News Tonight , Good Morning America, CNN Early Start, Wall Street Journal, Yahoo!, Associated Press, Daily Mail (UK), The Telegraph (UK), KABC Los Angeles.

None of it ever on my radar. It consumed a week of me.

And then, by this time last year, it had died down. I was back home in “small town” Arkansas not knowing what would happen. My hope hung on God, and the Russian people who were reaching out to me and made it clear they would do anything to get Polina home!


To all of you, too many to name, thank you! I know you haven't forgotten the orphans and that you will continue to fight for them.


I pray you have a very Merry Christmas!

Anniversary of a death sentence...

Last year at this time, our family was all over the international news as the world cared about what was going on. Tonight, it's quiet. People have moved on and forgotten. I cannot. I will not.

I've taken this blog entry over to our Polina's Promise blog. Please take the time to go over there and read it, share it, and follow us.

If you haven't already followed us on facebook, you can find us at www.facebook.com/polinaspromise

Thank you.
~Kendra

Finding Joy in Jesus

One year ago today,

through cloudy eyes,

barely able to breathe,

I told my daughter I had to get on an airplane and fly back to America

without her

one more time.

I promised her I'd be back -

It wouldn't be long this time.

I believed that.

That promise would begin to haunt me just a few hours later.

It had been a good day.

The "Baptists" had come to play carols for the kids & give them each a hydrangea to represent hope.

To represent hope!

We were invited into the teaching and meal with the older kids. I'm sure the director would have choked if she knew.

In our discussions, we found out they weren't Baptists as the director had told us. They were actually Seventh Day Adventists. Basically, if you're not Orthodox, you're "Baptist."

(If anyone from that group happens to reads this, please, please, please contact me at polinaspromise@yahoo.com)

The best part of the day was when I was able to talk to a couple of the ladies about a sweet, non-verbal little princess with CP who never got attention or human interaction. I showed her how to take her out of her chair (insert more director choking) and play with her. Since the group visits four times a year, I cling to the hope that Vika has been held 4 times in the past year. I fear though, that Vika has been transferred.

Now I'm the one choking. The thoughts of what could be happening to her are too much for my heart to bear.

Moving on.

They thanked us and asked us about the impending American adoption ban and if we were sure we were going to be able to take Polina home.

We were.

We had been told as long as we passed court the next morning, we would be safe from the ban.

Christmas Eve would be our last night in Moscow for this trip. We would go to court in the morning, were confident we'd pass, and then we'd celebrate Christmas & our adoption with a gathering of both Russians and Americans.

The unspeakable happened the next morning.

Before court, our facilitator told us she had been wrong. Even if we received court approval, we may not be able to take our daughter home.

I dug deeper within myself than I'd ever dug before to find the strength to speak in that courtroom.

The judge put me through the wringer. I plead... repeatedly. Our facilitator told me I did amazing. I don't know how.

We passed, but it was somber. The judge, the representative of the Education of Ministry and the other representative all had a very bleak look in their eyes as they wished us the best. There wasn't a lot of hope in that room. It was inexplicably torturous.

I was numb. There wasn't relief in having passed court and now we had to go to a celebration where I knew the questions would fly & I'd have to admit the hardest thing of my life.

I wasn't in control and I didn't know what the outcome would be. All I could do was walk by faith and I haven't always been good at that.

We had advent & celebrated Jesus.

Jesus!

He came to Earth to live as man and give us hope for our futures. He taught us how to love sacrificially. He came to give us peace.

He gives us joy in the absence of happiness.

We chose Joy as Polina's middle name.

Please join me tonight in praying for joy & peace for the mommas who didn't get to bring their babies home. Pray for a God-sized miracle and that the doors will, in-fact reopen someday. Pray for safety, care & families for the orphans.

Please check out what we are doing at www.polinaspromise.com (and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/polinaspromise) and let us know of any way you can help.

May your family find Joy in Jesus this Christmas!

A Visit to Ded Moroz

We are so blessed to live in Northwest Arkansas where there is always a family-friendly event going on. We took advantage of our Thanksgiving break to take Polina to several holiday events. We went to the lighting of square in Downtown Bentonville and got to watch an ice skating show at the outdoor rink. We also went to see "Ded Moroz." 

Ded Moroz, or Father Frost, is the Slavic version of Santa Claus. He is the symbol of Russian winter, New Year's and presents. It's just one bit of Polina's Russian culture we can keep alive for her. She is now convinced his last name is Santa Claus...so for us...it's Ded Moroz Santa Clause. While we make sure that our family's focus is on Jesus' birth as we celebrate Christmas, we also incorporate the cultural traditions as a "side" to the fun and celebration.

Here are a couple short videos and photos from our evening at the Pinnacle Hills Promenade. It was perfect timing - a Monday night at 7:00. No one was there and we had him all to ourselves for about 45 minutes!

He greeted her with a Russian phrase. She was so confused.

Reading "The Night Before Christmas" so she could see what his reindeer were.

 

Showing her his magic key he wears around his neck because we don't have a chimney. She had a dozen questions about this, including what he did with it when he sleeps.

A kiss goodbye

And then we went for a walk to look at the lights and decorations around the Promenade.

Polina and Daddy love fountains

 

Stopped in for a picture with the pretty tree at Pottery Barn.

Close Up

A magical Mommy-Daughter moment

Pretty Girl in front of the big tree

 

 

A Christmas Miracle...

(Note: This started as a quick "I've got to show them this miracle" post, but apparently God had something else in mind. Hang with me. I think it's worth it!)

There is so much going on in our house right now. I can barely fight the tears as I write this. Our family has been through so very much in the past year. Christmas is a time of miracles for sure!

Heartfelt Advent

This is the first week of advent. You've probably heard of it, but may not know what it means. This year, I understand it. I can feel it like never before.

Advent is the four weeks leading up to Christmas and literally means "coming." Advent is a time of remembering & preparing our family to celebrate the birth of Jesus. The first week of advent is the week of hope as Jesus is our hope in life. God sent his one and only son to live as man on Earth in order that He may die for our redemption so that we can have eternal life in Heaven.

Likewise, I went for my daughter so that she could know the love of a family. For many of us, the love of Christ is difficult to accept. For Polina, the love of a family has been difficult to accept. Adoption has put me on the other side of redemption.

This time last year

In 2012 we were given the miracle of a court date on Christmas Eve. We were honored to celebrate Christmas with wonderful Christians living in Moscow....including a couple that adopted a special needs child. We were clinging to our belief in God's ability to perform miracles in order to keep our hope that Polina would come home! We had told her we were coming. And yet, we were separate and might remain separate from her forever.

Experiencing that separation was the most painful feeling I've ever had. In fact, I wrote that death would be better. In those times, I came to better understand the sacrifice God made for us - to be separate from His son so that we no longer had to be separate from Him.

The journey to today

It's now been 10 months since Polina arrived on American soil. We've shared moments of joy with you here and on Facebook. But have you ever wondered why I don't blog more often?

Truth is, it hasn't all been peechy-keen. It's been exhausting - spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially. Even the days of fun and excitement ended in an exhausted me, too drained to share with you. There have been lots of tears. There have been times I've wondered what I'd done and if I could continue. There have been times I've understood some of the horrible things adoptive parents have been accused of. In those times, I often prayed and told God that I'd be okay if he chose to return to Earth that day.

Through it all, there were two things I never doubted.

We are told in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for the good of those called according to his purpose. I knew adopting Polina was His calling for us.

I also knew I loved her and Jesus had set my example of love by laying down His life for me. I knew I wasn't going to have to die for Polina, but I was going to have to lay down what I knew as my life for her.

Those moments of joy we have shared with you have been God's reminder of Deuteronomy, Hebrews and Joshua - that He will not leave us or forsake us.

The familiar feelings of reactive attachment disorder

There. I said it. The words I've avoided for ten months. Fact is, Polina isn't simply strong willed. She struggles with attachment because of her past, just as I've struggled with God because of mine.

I know how dirty, broken and hopeless I was before I found Christ. I understand the emotional pain my daughter was feeling that caused her to self-mutilate because I realize I've done a lot of self-mutilation in my life. It just looked different. Seeing her lack of trust and fear of abandonment has brought me terms with feelings I let consume me for two decades. I understand her difficulty in admitting wrongdoing and apologizing genuinely. When she is corrected and responds with "you don't love me," it brings to light my own perfectionism and rejection of God's grace and mercy.

As I fight for my daughter to earn her trust and to get her to receive grace, I'm reminded of how hard Christ fought for me. And I have hope.

Where we are now

Thanks for sticking with me. I've finally made it to the Christmas Miracle part...the warm, fuzzy, get-out-your-Kleenex part. The "I'm posting a video of me in my pajamas and rag-a-muffin hair" to show you there is hope part. 

This is the end of a conversation Polina and I had Sunday morning. It was about attachment, what it means to be loved unconditionally and to never be abandoned again. The video quality is LOW, but turn up your volume, it's what is said that is truly important. (You'll have to access the blog via computer to see the video).

And just to top that off, today, when I asked her if she trusted Mommy, she told me she will always trust me. It felt so good to hear that, that I asked her later in the evening and she responded, "Don't you remember what I told you today? I will ALWAYS trust you."

That's hope for the journey.

Do you still have Kleenex handy? Because after we decorated the Christmas tree tonight, Polina recorded a little "Merry Christmas" for us all!

May everyone who reads this find a little hope in what Christmas is all about!

PS: I promise some fun, lighter-hearted posts with "First Christmas" celebrations soon!

To find out more about what our family is doing to help special needs orphans in Russia, check out Polina's Promise. You can also "like" the Polina's Promise  Facebook page for updates.

Together, we make a bigger ripple

MY FIRST CANDY CANE!

At 6-years-old, Polina is experiencing her "firsts" in a family. Tonight, it was her first time seeing Christmas Lights. It was freezing....but worth every shiver! If you hang with me, there's more pictures at the end of the blog.

Unfortunately, these celebrations don't come without a heavy heart. Orphans are stuck and kids are dying.
 
Meanwhile, most of us are wearing rose-colored glasses (that's my nice way of saying we are ignorant and self-indulged.) I used to find it easy to covet for a bigger house, a newer car, the hippest clothes and accessories, and more toys for our children.

Then I held the orphans. While I still have these consumertastic (like my new word?) tendencies, they are much more in-check now.

I'm happy to report I am no longer ignorant. I've realized... even our humble homes are mansions,  our vehicles are excessive, our demand for trendiness is narcissistic and our overindulgence of materialistic items is vainglorious. (no, I didn't make that word up, though I wish I did).

If only I could change the world.  I'm trying to cast my stone, you know, make a ripple? I'm just a little stone in a big quarry, and there's lots of water in this world!

None of us can change the world ourselves, but if we each cast our own stone and make ripples, those ripples will eventually overlap and the world will be changed for the better.

Can I encourage you to cast your stone with me in two simple ways this holiday?

Forget, ignore, avoid the consumerism trap of Black Friday, etc. and shop with a purpose.

At Givington's, the cause of your choice receives up to 50% of your spending. Books, Coffee, Fashion & Apparel, Office Products, etc.  My own organization, Polina's Promise, is on the list. So are many other deserving organizations.

Fellow Russian special needs adoptive mom Tesney Davis is a  Noonday Ambassador. Buy your jewelry and accessories from Noonday who uses fashion and design to create economic opportunity for over 1,000 artisans in 10 countries - helping families stay together and supporting adoption. I dare you to read about their impact.

Admittedly, I'm new at this shopping with a purpose thing. There's many other ways out there to do this. Just Google it. 

I further challenge you to give 10% of what you spend.  I have more ideas in the giving realm as I've been doing that a big longer.

Steps to Sofi - $700 gets this family a court date
Polina's Promise - assisting special needs orphans and families worldwide
Peach's Neet Feet - sponsor a custom painted pair of shoes for a child who is disabled or fighting serious illness.
99 Balloons - providing a monthly night of respite for special needs families
The Johnson's or another Grace Haven Family - Adoption Grants
Ability Tree - growing able families and accessible organizations
Project Hopeful - advocating for orphans with and bringing education about HIV/AIDS

Whatever it is you're going to do this holiday season, don't forget to slow down (okay, maybe I asked you to do three things) and bask in the small things...the truly important things...the family time, awe in the children's eyes, the truth of redemption and mercy and hope that we celebrate. And if you choose to shop with purpose and to give, know that you're bringing some of those things to someone else's life.

Here's a peek at what redemption, mercy and grace at Christmas time look like from Polina's perspective.

Waiting for the lights to come on

Standing in front of the Christmas Tree

Warming up with a hot drink

Christmas Need?

It's a big topic this time of year. How do you handle gifts at Christmas time in an attempt to avoid the consumerism of it and focus on Jesus? In 2011, Jen Hatmaker wrote a popular blog "The Christmas Conundrum."  It is circulating around my Facebook circles right now.

I like Jen. She makes me laugh. She has a much greater sense of humor than I do. I find myself trying to downsize Christmas at the time of my adopted child's first Christmas in America as she was at the time she wrote the blog. She offers this, now popular, solution to the consumerism.

Four gifts:
Something you want,
Something you need,
Something to wear,
Something to read.

It has a nice poetic rhythm and rhyme to it. It's better than "everything I want" and "the more the better." Many, many of my Facebook friends follow it.

I discussed it with my 9-year-old son today and he confirmed my thoughts.

"What would a need be mom? You said something to wear, and we have a warm house and plenty of food. You already provide for my needs." Oh how this child blesses me beyond words.

What are we communicating to our children about NEED if we go this route? In my humble opinion, if we give socks and underwear as a gift at Christmas, we are sucking the supernatural, enchanting wonder out of it. (Note: Christmas IS supernatural, enchanting and wondrous even without Santa Clause!)

I'm a parent and I'm going to meet my children's needs as they arise regardless of season or holiday. Even if we get them that more expensive pair of light up or name brand shoes for Christmas...isn't that more of a "desired necessity" than a NEED?

I know, I know, that doesn't fit our poetic scheme. But good gravy...I do not need my daughter reminding me later that a different color sandals was a NEED at Christmas so it must be a NEED now!

Moving on....and more about Jen later.

I then asked my son what Christmas is about other than Jesus. His answer was simply "spending time with family you don't usually get to spend time with." Most of our family lives distantly, so I asked if he would prefer to spend the money visiting them or buying more expensive gifts. He chose visiting family. I could not be prouder.

I went on to post the question on Facebook. I got 35 responses in less than an hour. Here they are, in order, without repeats, and nothing excluded.

Hope
Love
Selflessness
Grace
Joy
Faith
Life
Promise
Capitalism
Belonging
Others
Family
Kindness
Salvation
Endless Wonder
Rescue
Supernatural
Miracles
Enchanting
Miracles
Exhaustion
Generosity
Redemption
Reason
Incarnation

Let's go back to Jen again. The year she wrote this particular blog, she was adding "something to give" to the mix. She and her husband, Brandon, were giving each of their kids $100

"to spend on the vulnerable. This is part of their Christmas present, because as you and I know, it just feels so awesome to be a part of Jesus' redemptive story. We will give them some options, and they can distribute their money however they want."

Now here is something I can get on board with! I love this Jen! (If you read my blog, please leave a comment so I can feel....honored!)

Now, if you're like me, you can't afford $100 per child. I'm going to make $100 for our family and we will choose where it goes together. Jen lists some great ideas with giving options as low as $10.

I'm going to give you some giving options that are close to my heart. I challenge you to pick one word out from the list above that you most feel you want to give this Christmas season. Talk to your kids about what they want to give. Then, pick a cause you feel most fits that gift, and GIVE IT! It will bless you to GIVE!

#1) Bring Sofi Home for Christmas: Sofi is an orphan. She has a family waiting. Her family is $1,000 short of fees to Sofi's government. If they can raise this amount quickly, they could possibly have Sofi home for Christmas....Sofi doesn't know or understand Christmas, and having her home for Christmas isn't what's most important. Having her home as soon as possible is. Everyday means something for this four-year-old little girl who can't roll over or eat solid foods because of severe neglect and untreated disability. I'd tell you about her awesome family, but it's really not so much about them, as it is about Sofi. Someone has offered a $1,000 matching grant to Sofi's family. Their you caring account is currently at $13,063.95. This donor will match dollar for dollar donations up to $1,000 between now and Dec. 1. Help get their you caring account to $14,063.95...and be blessed watching it grow and your donation be doubled! You can donate at:
http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/steps-to-sofi/29572

#2) Help Special Needs Orphans in Russia and China: I created the non-profit Polina's Promise in my daughter's name. If you've followed my blog, you know the story. If you don't, http://penniesforaprincess.blogspot.com/2012/12/death-would-be-better.html is a good place to start. Donations made to Polina's Promise through Paypal are tax deductible and will go to providing training for physical, occupational, speech and developmental therpaists to work with special needs orphans and families in Russia or to furnish a special needs home for children in China. You can not specifically where you would like your donation to go, if you'd like. Just send your paypal donation to polinaspromise@yahoo.com

#3) If domestic and/or interracial adoption is where your heart is, I happen to know an awesome family who is early on in their adoption and would be greatly blessed by your donation this Christmas. You can read their story at http://waitingforbabyd.com/ and you can donate t.o them through paypal at garrettwdenton@gmail.com

Those are places where my heart is...orphans and special needs. This is where I find I can give life, family, hope, redemption, mercy, grace, love, joy, belonging and rescue! This is where I find endless wonder and supernatural miracles.

 If those don't appeal to you, have a look at Jen's list, or just go and serve a meal at your local Salvation Army or other soup kitchen. Suck up your pride and take the homeless person at the mall for lunch.

Just give this season....give to someone you wouldn't normally give to. Teach your kids what it is to sacrifice and to give. I promise you won't regret it!

If your family doesn't have their needs met....feel free to comment...it will go to my email and I won't publish it, but I'd like to help you find a place your needs can be met.

The rest of us...let's get real about what a NEED is. Make up your own categories...give, want, read, wear, play, create, sport, health...whatever you feel appropriate for your family at this time. Change it each year as your family changes and grows. But I beg you, don't pick categories based on their rhythmic quality and pay attention to what your categories communicate to your children. 

And here is Jen's blog: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-christmas-conundrum

The Best Present Ever!

I really just don't know where to start this blog. I'm exhausted...probably mostly from the emotions of this afternoon.

Because of Polina's paralysis, her balance is not good. However, she is fearless and strong willed and doesn't typically listen to me when I tell her she is doing something that is unsafe and she might get hurt. Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken 9 months before she got hurt since becoming our daughter. Perhaps part of that is my over-protection out of paranoia based on the way the Russian Government is so quick to conclude American parents are abusive to their Russian adopted children. That's not a fun shadow to live under! But today, I was a step away and she learned the hard way.

She was sitting in a chair at the dining room table. We had just finished homework. She turned and tried to pick the dog up, shifting her weight and falling onto the tile floor. I saw it happen, but wasn't fast enough to catch her. I scooped her up off the floor before she could even start crying.

Here's the kicker: as tight as I held her, she held me tighter. She gripped her arms around my neck as she cried and I tried to calm her.

In that moment, the emotion was more than what I typically feel when my children are hurt. It was so much more.

Polina held onto me like a hurt child holds onto her mother.

I can't put that into words.

Regardless of the rough issues that have come along with adoption - those that I'm not ready to share publicly yet - in those moments, I got the seal of approval. She held onto me tightly. She wanted me to comfort her and hold her and make her feel better. She wanted her mommy like kids do when they are hurt. And I AM HER MOMMY!

Our neighbor happens to be a nurse. She checked her eyes for me and reassured me that her pupils were reactive and just to keep her awake for awhile. We had to take Carter to boy scouts, so went on a little dinner date and then to get some hot chocolate and practice writing with a new iPad app.

During this time, I couldn't help but think of another little girl hugging her momma's neck.

This momma has become a dear friend of mine. She followed our adoption and we met in person this summer. Her youngest son (she has five) has Spina Bifida and is the same age as Polina. She has such a big heart, she is adopting another special needs child. Meet Tracy and Sofi. Look at that hair! I wish I could show you her eyebrows!

Sofi spent the first 2.5 years of her life in a crib, literally! But now, she has a mommy, a daddy and five brothers.....waiting to bring her home.

This adoption is not only close to my heart because Tracy is my friend. You see, Sofi reminds me so much of Katya and Vika...girls that are stuck in the orphanage Polina came from. Girls that are ignored because they are believed to be "numb." Like Katya and Vika, Sofi eats mashed food, can't roll over and is non-verbal because she doesn't get the care she could in a family.

Reading what Tracy has shared on her blog reminds me of the way Katya and Vika responded to me when I took the time to tickle them, play ball with them, and hold them....things no one ever does with them....because they are "numb."

Tracy writes:

"She doesn't look at one thing for very long, but there were times that a caught her taking a glimpse at me.  Those moments were life altering....and when she purposefully put her arm on mine and rubbed my arm back and forth I knew that she knew somehow that we belong together.  

By the end of the week, as I was holding her (and holding back my tears), she put her head down and gave my hand an open mouth kiss (the way babies kiss) and repeated that motion about five times.  She struggles to make her body do what she wants it to do, but those small moments when she is able to is like a victory to me.  When I put her on the blanket, she would move her body side to side, trying desperately to roll over.  She's not quite there, but once she's home, she will learn to roll all over the place."
 
Here's the thing. While the Jensen Family is one signature away from a court date, they are also $3,500 away from that same court date. They may get their signature on Thursday, but they don't have the $3,500 (about $6,000 total needed).  This family has done so, so much fundraising. They've done their due diligence over the past 15 months since they started this process. Now it's our turn to stand up and fill in the gap. Don't make this little girl wait longer for her parents to bring her home where she will thrive in the caring environment every child deserves. 

Can you dig in your pocket, skip a pumpkin spice, and find $5 or $10 to help bring this little girl home? Do you have more you can give? Perhaps you could give in memory of someone or as a gift to someone who has a heart for the orphan? Maybe you're the type that is afraid of needles and gets queasy at the sight of blood so you can't donate blood or bone marrow. Here's your chance to give life without any of that.

How thankful are you for your family this November? Can you spread that gratitude to help a 4-year-old orphan be a daughter and a sister by Christmas? Christ was sent to give us a new chance at life. HE GAVE HIS LIFE!!! And you can help give a new life to this little girl.  

Polina wore a shirt today that says, "Best Present Ever." I was explaining to her what that meant. Please consider giving this precious girl and family the best present ever!

You can read more of Tracy's blog, see more pictures and find out how to donate on her blog.
http://fromamomofboys.blogspot.com/2013/11/tell-me-about-sofi.html?spref=fb

Thank you for considering it.

Bless & Be Blessed!

Launching Polina's Promise

It's been busy around here lately with all the fall events! I haven't had a lot of time to blog because I've been organizing and planning the Launch of Polina's Promise - a nonprofit benefitting orphans and special needs families worldwide. To keep up with the updates, you will want to like our Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/PolinasPromise

We are having a Dinner, Documentary and Dessert Launch Party on Nov. 16th at the Lodge at Fellowship Bible Church in Rogers, AR. We will show Mama's, Kids, and the Law Documentary over Dinner and discuss how we came to be and how we plan to impact the world of orphans and special needs children! We will also have a live dessert auction and some silent auction items available. You can find out more on our Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/events/165861503621931/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

We are anticipating the proof for our logo today, and once we have finalized it, we will draw a winner for the Tshirt contest on our Facebook Page. Just like and share our page and comment on the contest post that you did. Right now, the odds are great - 1 in 20!

There is one other way you can win a T-shirt. Please visit the following blog: http://fromamomofboys.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-visit.html?spref=fb

This is a dear, dear friend of mine that I met through the process of adopting Polina. She followed us and supported us and we were able to meet her in July. Our family was so blessed by donations for Polina's adoption and we are so thankful for that! We wouldn't have gotten our baby girl home in time without it. I have personally donated money and time to Sofi's adoption, and now, I'm asking you to donate. I will hold a second drawing for a Polina's Promise Tshirt on Nov. 4th. You will get an entry for every $5 you donate towards Sofi Rose's adoption. Just leave a comment here letting me know what your donation was (it will go to my inbox and not be published). I will verify it with Tracy and we will draw a winner in one week.

Thanks friends! I look forward to sharing more as things develop!

"I love you. You're a Good Momma"

Polina is a perfectionist (that makes 2/2 of my kids) and gets very frustrated if she can't do something such as writing her letters and numbers perfectly. Let's face it....the child really didn't see for the first six-and-a-half years of her life. She still isn't in the prescription strength she needs because we are trying to step her up gradually. Add not seeing to being institutionalized (and underestimated) for the first 6 years of her life, and you can imagine the difficulty and frustration that comes with a perfectionist learning to write!

So, we adapt. Her biggest issues are size, space and sequence. Size and space are easy adaptations. I draw a box with a highlighter and she is to contain her letter or number in that box. Sequence is a little more difficult. I draw dots for her to connect, but on more complicated figures, such as the number 5, knowing where to start, stop, etc is difficult. That's when we make a chant or a song to help her remember.

Tonight, we were working on the number five. It's complex. She started frustrated and whining. I could have reacted negatively as I'm sometimes guilty of doing. But tonight, I didn't. I was calm, I drew boxes, I paid attention. I guided her when she wanted and gave her independence when she wanted. I positively praised her through the whole process. She finished feeling successful. And when she feels successful, I get a kiss on whatever body part is closest to her (tonight it was my arm) and an "I love you, you're a good momma!"

I could end this blog there. But I want to throw in a few cents for those that don't understand or are struggling with behaviors of adopted or special needs kids.

All kids, but these one especially, need to feel successful. I got this positive response out of Polina tonight because I took the time to help her feel successful. Those positive feelings lead to positive behaviors and an enjoyable evening of cuddles, sharing, and celebration.

The same goes when a child feels unsuccessful or "bad." (I cringe at the idea of a child feeling or being told they are bad. No child is bad...behavior is bad. If you believe or tell a child they are bad, you need to think seriously about this!) If they feel defeated, they will act defeated. One negative leads to another negative and misery for all.

As parents and teachers, we have the ability to respond to children in a way that could make-or-break the day for everyone. We need to find the positive...the successes...and put our focus there so that our children will put their focus there.

Alvin Price said "Parent's need to fill a child's bucket of self esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes in it to drain it dry."

Polina did a good job of filling my self-esteem up tonight. I am a good Momma, and I'm encouraged to do well again next time. Go create a positive cycle with your kiddos!

Our Beautifully Messy Life

My house is a mess! It's clean. Toilets, sinks, tubs are clean. Floors are mopped. Kids clothes are folded and put away. The important things are done. My clothes are in piles. Maybe my friends have noticed me out and about in my running clothes a lot lately. Then there's the pile of art stuff taking up half the table with two recent projects for Carter and hands-on, multi-sensory learning activities for Polina. The dishes are clean, but there are some groceries that aren't put away. So, it's clean...but it's a mess!

Since we've brought Polina home, I've been a "stay-at-home" mom. So my house should be neatly organized, right? That's what the voice in my head tells me. Reality is, I'm hardly ever home. The kids add up to 6 therapy appointments a week, guitar lessons, boy scouts, and two fitness classes. Most weeks include a trip to Kansas City. I go to the kid's school assemblies, PE with Parents, and presentations. When I'm not running from appointments and they are at school, I fill out paperwork, get my own exercise in, grocery shop, bank, do laundry and prepare fresh & healthy meals. Oh, and I shower without any interruptions.

When they are home, we do homework and catch up on the things missed at school during appointments. We eat as a family and talk about our day. We try to get some outside time in. Our bedtime routine takes quite a lot of time and most nights I rock, read, and sing to Polina. Then there's some big-kid time with Carter. And once I sit down...well...I don't typically get up again because I'm exhausted more emotionally and mentally from the mess of the day.

There's lots of "how do you ask appropriately, that's not how we do things in a family, I'm sorry that you want that, we talk nice to each other in this house, try that again, stop dragging the dog around, no we are not having candy, yes I love you even when your behavior is not acceptable" messy moments with Polina and "let's talk this through and clean up that mess" moments with Carter.

I fall victim to the thoughts of messiness in my head.

And then I have a day like today that reminds me I don't want my kids to remember me for keeping the house clean. I want them to remember me for making memories, bonding and supporting them. I want them to remember that I was at Friday Round-ups at school to dance with them, that I went to PE with them, made presentations to their classmates about how to be friends with kids with disabilities and I drove them to their appointments when I could have used Medicaid transport. I want them to be healthy and remember home cooked meals and not drive-thrus. I want them to remember hikes, walks around the lake and sidewalk chalk in the driveway. I want them to remember cuddling before bed, being read to, and singing songs together.

Today was one of those days! Carter was on a boy scouts hike with dad and so Polina and I went out for a girl's morning. The plan was to get dinner in the crock pot, go for a run, take the dog to the dog park where Polina pets EVERY dog she can get her hands on, hit the farmer's market and then go to Kohls. We never made it to Kohls. We got caught eating lunch at a food truck, outside, 1/3 mile from our car when the skies opened up and poured down rain. And we will never forget it! It was such a messy adventure!

She wanted to look like an "old Baba" today

She thought it was hilarious when General pulled her faster than Mommy could run. Listen for the giggle.

 

Held a couple puppies

Played in the Fountain

Stood in a LONG line for Blini (or Crepes)

And made a friend while we were waiting
 

Then the rain was coming, so we combined our veggies and wrapped up her cast...and ran...as fast as we could 1/3 mile back to the car.

 

I was soaked clear through including sloshy shoes

 

General was soaked too, but Polina made it with just a few drops on her exposed leg.

 

It was a BLAST!

 

Our life isn't always "clean." In fact, it can get messy. But one thing is for sure, it's a mess in an adventure that gets more beautiful every day and I wouldn't trade it for the world! There's big things in store for our little family!